Happy Birthday (Yeah, right)

Forty-nine years and nine months ago, my mom and dad fornicated. It was only the third time they ever had sex and I have a brother and sister to prove it. Okay, maybe they did it on their honeymoon out of curiosity, so that's four times. But that's it. In their generation sex was to procreate, not a recreational activity.

Every birthday I ask myself, "Why am I getting all the glory?" It's not like I had a say in the matter or had anything to do with it. I was just a passenger at the time and a by-product as a result.

If anyone should be celebrating it should be them. People should be giving my parents gifts (or hate mail) for what they've done. Why do people say Happy Birthday to me when they should be saying "Nice shot, Mr. Casey" to my dad. It's like giving credit to the model for just standing there when they should be addressing the artist for what (s)he created.

I went to a birthday party a while back for Hubert who was celebrating ninety years on planet earth. When it was announced, everyone applauded. I thought, "What the hell did he do?" He managed to avoid getting run over by a bus for nine decades but I fail to see how being born is worthy of being congratulated.

I do love hillbilly sayings and metaphors. They're so colorful and flamboyant. I heard a hick cutting another guy down once and he told him "Your daddy shoulda shot you in a hankie." Once I got it, I laughed. I thought later how close any of us could have come to being non-existent by such a fate. All it takes is a lonely night without a mate and that could be the fortune for any of us. Perhaps that's what inspires the urge to celebrate.

Then there's the agitating question of "What do you what for your birthday?" I already know the budget question is worth about twenty bucks. That being the case, if there was something I wanted in that price range I would already have it. Yes, I please myself the other 364 days and don't wait for permission to be extravagant for something I don't really need anyway.

The only birthdays that held any significance for me were eighteen and twenty-one. Turning legal to do certain things were momentous occasions and worthy of celebrating as I passed a milestone. These days I'm more likely to pass a mild stone.

Tyler Chambers: My Life is an Open Book (well, three actually)

                                         Tyler Chambers:

                 My Life is an Open Book (well, three actually)

Hi. I’m Tyler Chambers, the star of Travis Casey’s series, ‘Tyler’s Trouble Trilogy.’
My author thought it would be funny to stick me in the 1980’s. Granted, it was a cool decade – but seriously? No cell phones or internet?

Anyway, I was about to get banged up in jail – just juvenile stuff really, but the cops lost their sense of humor – so Travis made me join the Navy instead of serving time with some guy named Tyrone. Wow! What an adventure that turned out to be. I spent a couple of years in Hawaii but got mixed up with two chicks that had me in a Trouble Triangle. I’m still not sure if it was love or lust, but it really did my head in. So I jumped at the chance when Travis offered to put me on a sea going ship traveling the world – little did I know the ship was setting sail into Oceans of Trouble. I would have loved it except the Captain of the ship wanted to lock me up for something I didn’t do and some whack job tried to kill me just for fun. You should see what they did to do to me in Singapore. It was a nightmare.

Somehow I managed to survive, so Travis lined me up for another cruise. I was really looking forward to it, but guess what? Some jerk in the book switched my orders and I ended up fixing submarines in Scotland! I mean, of all places.

Without any choice, I packed my bags and headed off to that rain-drenched environment on the other side of the world. I just wanted a simple little plot, but no—Travis Casey had other ideas.
I arrived in Scotland hoping to drink a few beers, have sexual liaisons with a few of the Scottish lasses, and have a few laughs. And I fully intended to follow advice I was given and stay away from fellow co-workers – i.e. women on the ship. Besides, the Navy doesn’t allow relationships with superior officers and that was just fine with me. I didn’t want anything to do with Navy chicks – but when I saw my boss, Lt. Darcy Novak. Holy smoke! I fought urges, she fought urges, but she fell for my charm regardless. We both knew we were heading for some kind of Forbidden Trouble, but our chemistry was undeniable. And then that damn Charlotte Kemp went to get her claws into me. I had to start spinning lies to protect Darcy—I mean Lt. Novak. Things kept going from bad to worse.
I should have just taken the jail time before the first book began and it would have saved a whole heap of time and trouble and I wouldn’t have had any of the stress that shook my world in book three. You wouldn’t believe what I went through.

You can check out the entire trilogy on Amazon, Amazon UK and Barnes and Noble. Go ahead. Have a laugh at my expense. You have my permission.
All the Best
Tyler Chambers
Star of Tyler’s Trouble Trilogy

London Author Fair

One year ago I attended the London Author Fair. The aim was to put authors in direct contact with literary agents and experts in the publishing industry to learn more about how it all works. This was my experience:

London was stupidly busy as I expected. When I got the London Victoria train station, the first thing I did was pay 30p (50 cents) to pee. Welcome to the big city. Next, I quickly looked over the routes for the Undergound and made my way to an escalator heading for the Piccadilly line. The moving staircase was extremely long and steep — like taking a ride into the bowels of hell. Adjacent to my downward spiral were two escalator going up. The thousand faces going the other way hardly looked angelic on the way to heaven, but at least they were heading in that direction. Halfway down my descent, an announcement was made that the Holborn Station was closed due to a person under the train. There are times I think it would be wise for the London Transport Authority to lie.

 I made my way to an inconspicuous building, The Hospital Club, in Covent Garden. I looked smart in my baby pink sweater with black pants, complemented with my newly highlighted hair. If I didn't get a publishing deal I still might have gotten lucky in the men's room.

 As I checked in, the organizers insisted I don my pre-printed author identification tag, but I was reluctant. After all, I was there to learn and absorb information and didn't want to be distracted by an endless stream of autograph hunters. Fortunately, everyone respected my privacy and I was not hounded or asked for one autograph the entire day.

 The fair was spread over three floors with various workshops and seminars such as: Marketing Your Book, Discoverability, Working with a Literary Agent, Book Cover Design and much more spread throughout the building. Because of the logistics, it was difficult to judge, but I would guess there were somewhere between 300-500 people in attendance.

 I grabbed a free coffee and stuffed two free coffee mugs in my free "London Author Fair" canvas bag before heading to the seminar room in the basement. Black velvet curtains blacked out everything around the audience except for the panel of literary agent on the stage. They each spoke about the changes in the book industry and the rise of the self-publishing market. The more they spoke, the more my heart sunk.

Superb writing is not the most important element in the publishing industry. An amazing story, is. They still expect anything submitted to them to be error-free, but story concept may outweigh the odd missed comma. An agency receives circa 100 submissions A DAY. So what makes your story so AMAZING? That's what one has to convey in one page.

Besides being an amazing story (they did use those exact words repeatedly), it has to be marketable. If the publisher doesn't think they can capture 5% of the market with it, they're not interested. They all confessed that there are some fantastic stories out there, but no place in the market for them, so they get passed over. Celebrities get rushed to the top because publishers know that will sell. They already have a "platform" so it's far less of a gamble. Even if you would manage to get picked up by a mainstream publisher, they still choose to put their marketing money into a name where they know will get a return.

When an agent takes on you and your story, it may take him or her a year to sell it to a publisher. Then it may take another year to get it into print, and the chances of striking it big are slim. It is a slow process unless you happened to be lucky enough to sleep with Mr. or Mrs. Obama — in that case they would rush you into print the following week.

My moment of glory came from stumping the panel — but I didn't want to stump them, I wanted answers. When they asked for questions from the floor, I raised my hand and I was identified as the man in the back wearing the pink sweater, and invited to ask my question. I rose and took the mike.

"Most submission guidelines request a one to two page synopsis. So if I have to whittle my 80-90,000 word manuscript into 200-400 words, what is the most important thing to focus on and what can be left out?" The man in the pink sweater sat down as a collective gasp rippled through the audience.

The panel remained silent. Really silent. Finally, the chairperson commented, "Well, that shut them up." One of the agents remarked, "I hate questions like that." After more humming and haa-ing from the panel of experts, it was agreed that writing a synopsis is an art and skill in its own right. They conceded that it was not easy, then admitted that many times they don't even get read unless they are excited by the covering letter and the first three chapters. So the man in the pink sweater still doesn't know how to write an effective synopsis.

I requested, and was granted, a slot to try and sell my book idea to an agent for her to take me on as a client. After causing disarray to the panel, it was time to go make my pitch to the agent. This would be my defining fifteen minutes of fame. I was pleased to have a woman agent to pitch to. I usually connected well with women. We sat down and I handed her my presentation: Cover letter, synopsis, and the first three chapters of my latest novel, Forbidden Trouble.

As she looked over my papers, I remained respectfully quiet. "Go on," she said, "we only have fifteen minutes, start making your pitch." Damn multi-tasker. It was a little unnerving to talk about my yet to be discovered bestseller while the master of my destiny was not looking at me. My blue eyes are my greatest asset above the belt. You should see my legs. Anyway… I pitched. By this time, she had made it to the first paragraph of the novel.

"Why I remained heterosexual was beyond me. I found the good looking chicks, but they either turned lesbian on me or wouldn't leave their shithead husbands. At least gay guys didn't have women trouble."

Her jaw dropped. "That's some opening," she remarked, yet void of any reaction. I couldn't read her.  So I shrugged. "It was either that or 'It was a dark and stormy night.'"

I smiled. She didn't. Oh shit.

My time with her went quickly. Perhaps she was in shock by a guy in a pink sweater writing a heterosexual romance.

 Then she gave her advice: She said I shouldn't have been pitching that novel, I should have pitch my current WIP. My current work should cut all ties from my past books to prove I can write fresh material and not count on past characters or settings to fall back on. Write third person, not first. I took exception to that advise. She kept repeating how difficult and limiting first person is, which I realize. That's why I have studied it in-depth and am well versed in the pitfalls and traps, as well as the do's and don't's. But she seemed to be making the assumption without reading my work. And 108,000 words was far too long. I should be aiming for 70,000.

 My time was up and I felt slightly more dejected, but I was there to learn, not to be discovered — not yet, anyway.

 So, that leaves self-publishing. Being a self-published author means one has to be an entrepreneur: Marketer, Salesperson, Twitterer, Goodreads Reader, Facebooker, Public Speaker, Blogger… who the hell has time to write?

 So my journey to enlightenment ended in the conclusion that there is no easy way — which I knew.  But after speaking to the experts, it seems to have become even more difficult.

 As I boarded the train for the journey home, at least the conductor smiled at me – then I noticed the pink handkerchief streaming from his back pocket…

Success In Writing for the Self Published Author

When it comes to being a self-published author, it's not about learning and respecting the craft, it's about how many Facebook likes you can achieve or how many followers on Twitter you can get. The general opinion is that if you don't write well you'll never make it in the writing world. In traditional publishing that may be true. In today's world of self-publishing, it doesn't make a lot of difference whether you write well or not.

The problem with self-publishing is that there are about a gazillion authors in the same boat. All of them trying to get their books read so people will say nice things about it so more people will buy their books so they can eventually give up their day job and live in a world of fantasy. Sounds good, huh?

No one is born knowing how to write. It is a learned process. Especially when it comes to fiction, one should study how to show, not tell. What is passive writing and how to avoid it. How filtering distances the reader from the story. There are many techniques at a writer's disposal to create the best possible story and draw the reader in. But these are methods that must be learned and practiced. Instead, many of today's authors simply string 80,000 words together and, Shazam! They're an author.

I have read stories that I hated but have been able to appreciate the writing. Personally, I find it difficult to enjoy a story with poor writing no matter how good the story may be. That seems to put me in a minority.

Some time ago I read an author's debut novel and although she made a valiant attempt, it was nowhere near ready for the public market. She had a good concept, but any time the plot would begin to thicken, a coincidental miracle would come along and the problem would be resolved – time and time again. It ended up being absurd. There were other issues that made the entire book laughable. I suggested that perhaps she spend some time with a critique group only to be told by her that she was far too busy and she didn't have time to learn to write properly. So I figured I'd stand idly by and watch her fall on her face. However, instead of spending time learning the craft, she spent time Facebooking. As her number of 'Likes' grew, so did her number of five star reviews.

The thing is, once an author gets dozens of reviews, no one really reads them. You just see the stats and out of 100 reviews, 87 are five star, albeit generic or shallow. So the reader is led to believe it's a great book and buys it. But many of those 87 are stooges or the authors are just tit-for-tatting one another with five star reviews. And whether the book is good, bad or indifferent, most readers won't take the time and bother to leave a genuine review.

I've met loads of authors on FB and many of them have what sounds like an interesting story. So I'll go in and read the sample pages provided on Amazon and discover the writing is shockingly bad. You would think that because the mechanics of writing can be judges objectively, poor writing would be identified by reviewers. Sadly, it rarely is.

Most reviewers seem to focus solely on the story itself and ignore everything else. I don't object to that, but a book riddled with typos, punctuation errors, gaping plotholes and bad grammar cannot be five stars. Four if the story is really that good. Yet I see it time and time again, rave reviews for books written at junior high level.

The bottom line is: Get everyone to like you and you'll go far.