As a driver
for an international shipping company, I should have known better. I wish I
could say I got caught up listening to the Sammy Hagar song, “I Can’t Drive 55.” Unfortunately, I
didn’t have that excuse and got busted doing 76 in a 55mph zone by a Minnesota
State Trooper. To make matters worse I was in a company van.
When I told
my work colleagues, I dressed it up a little.
“The cop
asked me where I was going in such a hurry,” I said. “I told him I was on the
way to the hospital. I worked there as a rectum stretcher.”
“A rectum
stretcher?” He squawked. “What the hell’s that?”
“Well,
sir,” I explained. “I get ahold of the rectum with two fingers, loosen it, work
it, and stretch it. Then I hook it up to a machine and stretch it until I get
it to about six feet.”
“Oh, yeah,
right. And what do you do with a six foot asshole?”
“Give him a
radar gun.”
Once they
stopped laughing, one of them suggested I go to court.
“Why?” I
asked. “He had me dead to rights.”
“Ask for
leniency. What you got to lose? They can’t jack it up to eighty, but if you can
get it under fifteen miles per hour over the limit it’s not considered serious
and you got another screw up in the bag without getting fired.”
He was
right. I didn’t have anything to lose.
Rather than
just pay the $225 fine and put an end to it, I went to court instead. After the
judge arraigned the deadbeats and junkies locked up from the weekend, it was my
turn to plead my case.
Once in the
dock I explained to the judge that I had no excuse, but asked for leniency as
it had serious implications on my job and asked if he would consider reducing
the violation to reflect less than fifteen miles an hour over the limit. In
effect, I was asking the judge for a 69.
The judge
asked the prosecutor if she would be willing to give me a 69, but she went five
better. She said that based on my clean driving record, she would be willing to
offer me a 64, but stipulated that she still wanted the fine of $225 to stand.
I happily
accepted the terms.
I didn’t
know this at the time, but in the state of Minnesota a speeding violation of
nine miles an hour or less doesn’t show up on your driving record so I have
managed to keep a clean driving record. It’s not very often that I’m still
pleased after receiving a $225 fine, but in this instance, I consider this a
happy ending.
