I Can’t Drive 55, But I’d Settle for a 69

As a driver for an international shipping company, I should have known better. I wish I could say I got caught up listening to the Sammy Hagar song, “I Can’t Drive 55.” Unfortunately, I didn’t have that excuse and got busted doing 76 in a 55mph zone by a Minnesota State Trooper. To make matters worse I was in a company van.

 

        In accordance with company policy, I reported the infraction to my supervisor. I had the added fear that I hadn’t yet passed my three month probation period. When I told my boss he was sympathetic, but also informed me that fifteen miles an hour or more over the limit was considered a serious safety violation. One more mishap and I was out of a job. So I was on strike three before I even got off the blocks.

When I told my work colleagues, I dressed it up a little.

“The cop asked me where I was going in such a hurry,” I said. “I told him I was on the way to the hospital. I worked there as a rectum stretcher.”

“A rectum stretcher?” He squawked. “What the hell’s that?”

“Well, sir,” I explained. “I get ahold of the rectum with two fingers, loosen it, work it, and stretch it. Then I hook it up to a machine and stretch it until I get it to about six feet.”

“Oh, yeah, right. And what do you do with a six foot asshole?”

“Give him a radar gun.”

Once they stopped laughing, one of them suggested I go to court.

“Why?” I asked. “He had me dead to rights.”

“Ask for leniency. What you got to lose? They can’t jack it up to eighty, but if you can get it under fifteen miles per hour over the limit it’s not considered serious and you got another screw up in the bag without getting fired.”

He was right. I didn’t have anything to lose.

Rather than just pay the $225 fine and put an end to it, I went to court instead. After the judge arraigned the deadbeats and junkies locked up from the weekend, it was my turn to plead my case.

Once in the dock I explained to the judge that I had no excuse, but asked for leniency as it had serious implications on my job and asked if he would consider reducing the violation to reflect less than fifteen miles an hour over the limit. In effect, I was asking the judge for a 69.

The judge asked the prosecutor if she would be willing to give me a 69, but she went five better. She said that based on my clean driving record, she would be willing to offer me a 64, but stipulated that she still wanted the fine of $225 to stand.

I happily accepted the terms.

I didn’t know this at the time, but in the state of Minnesota a speeding violation of nine miles an hour or less doesn’t show up on your driving record so I have managed to keep a clean driving record. It’s not very often that I’m still pleased after receiving a $225 fine, but in this instance, I consider this a happy ending.